Selfish
by ravenromance27
Summary: Even a god like him could be allowed moments of weakness. Introspective


**KID**

**Selfish. Inflexible. Obsessive.**

That's how they saw me and I never found any reason to correct their impression. There was no need for explanations in my world. I sought no absolution or forgiveness and I have no need to seek out their approval. Whatever it was that I did—I did with full knowledge. It was a decision I will do again without any hesitation—especially now that I know for sure the rewards such actuations had reaped.

It has been many years since the fight with Insanity and all the madness they have unleashed in the world but I have not forgotten. Not once have I allowed myself to forget what could've happened and what thankfully didn't. I couldn't. Nor would I have forgiven myself if I did. I could put it aside at times and keep it at bay but never once have I allowed myself to forget.

But tonight, of all nights, I find myself defending my stand once more and to the one person that I never expected to question me.

'Why do you keep all of this from her? For her old man? Did he ask you to keep her out of this information?'

He is older now. Older of course in experience than in years but still he remains—at his core—remarkably the same. His voice has lost none of its bored, barely civil monotone. It has deepened into a far smoother and deeper cadence but it always managed to sound impassive and filled with ennui. If his curiosity exceeded that of the hypothetical perhaps I wouldn't have answered but there was the faintest tinge of tension in his stance—like a coiled snake that could turn from languid into lethal in the blink of an eye.

'No, though it would certainly feed his ego to know how sought after she is and then it would incapacitate him from the worry the idea that more men would surround her. But even the ensuing hilarity that would provide me in the offing would not cause me to do something like this for him.'

'So you're doing it for her?'

I cast a glance at the boxes that lined the wall—harmless, faceless white boxes bearing the simple initial that caused him such interest that until that night remained as innocuous supplies tucked against a wall—silent and unassuming. They are opened now, their contents hurriedly scanned, their true intent and content shown for all to see.

'No, though I certainly do not relish the idea of sending her out into the far flung regions of nowhere just to give other weapons a chance to learn from her. And while the idea of finding new talents has merit—I will not jeopardize the way things are right now nor will I put this city through the trauma of a full scale chaos that will erupt with such a decision.'

'Is that why do you keep all these letters out of her hands?'

'I keep this to keep our world spinning. I keep her away from the hands of those who would like to see her come to their keeping. From those ambitious enough and foolish enough to assume that she could give them power to change their fate. From those that wish for her to remain where she is. There are many reasons why I keep these well away from her hands.'

'She has the right to choose…'

'Would you, in all honesty left inside your soul, allow her to leave if she had known about all of this?'

'I would trust her to do what is right. What she wanted…I-I will never—could never take that chance from her.'

'Then you are undoubtedly lucky that this particular burden does not lie with you.'

'I don't understand.'

'I keep all these to remind me that I am sometimes allowed to be selfish.'

'You're not making any sense.'

The frustration in his voice tells me how shaken he was with his discovery, it tells me how the information he now holds sways his normally indifferent mask. The distress and distrust in his eyes were expected. That's what I tell myself but it doesn't ease my guilt. The sigh that escaped my lips was nearly silent but I am sure that he heard it. I looked down at my hands and steeple them atop my desk as I gathered my thoughts before explaining as best as I could.

'I keep these to remind me why I must endure the protests that arrives at my door and appears at my desk due to my continued denial of her skill as a seasoned Meister and her availability for new partnership. I keep the letters locked in here so that nosy people won't stick their noses into things I consider to be private.'

He snorted indelicately, the action reminding me that despite the polish he has gained over the years, this was still the young, reckless boy that once challenged a god of madness with nary a care in the world. The same one that faced the abuse and pain of training on a daily basis without a word of complaint to the child that wielded his life in her hands. The one that dared to call such a damaged soul that knew of nothing but darkness and blood his friend.

'I keep her here because she keeps my father safe. Her eyes see more now than his...sees further and deeper than either my father or I. I keep her because her sight helps me care for this city that my father bled and sacrificed so much for. I keep her because I know she would have the strength I would need to defend this city and all its denizens to the very end if and when such a time comes.'

I watched him pace around the room until he settled against one of the window at seats in my home office and stay absolutely still. The look in his eyes assured me that he only sought the seat so that he could focus all his considerable attention on me and I felt the tension in my shoulders ease. While he could be recalcitrant and mischievous as a willful child at times, he could always be counted to dig into the well-spring of maturity and depth whenever the issue involved her. I took his nod as permission to continue and so I did, gathering my thoughts into cognizant words that he would best understand.

'I keep her here because she is the only family Black Star has left in the world and I can't imagine the horrors he could and would create should she come to harm because I sent her out into the world with idiots bigger than he is. I keep her here because she offers him hope with every punch and insult she hurls into his stubborn face that there is a chance for him to be normal—that no matter how obnoxious he gets to be, there will be someone here who will knock him down a peg or two, pick him up, dust himself off and still care to call him family. I keep her here next to him because she is all that he needs to remind her that once upon a time there was a childhood that he shared that isn't littered and stained with blood and death.'

'Black Star has Tsubaki to do that for him now.'

'You are incorrigible you know that?'

He simply shrugs and I noted the surprisingly elegant action somewhere in the back of my mind. Since he always seemed slouched against something or another, I found the fluidity of his movements oddly both out of place and appropriate. Perhaps there is some truth to the rumor that the twins reported to him regarding his appeal to the female denizens of the school.

"I keep her close because she knows Liz and Patty—know them—the real and feral side of them and still she treats them with incomparable dignity, respect and compassion I could never ever afford or hope to replace or duplicate. She has never—ever allowed the twins to feel that they were less than deserving for growing up in the streets. That somehow the unfortunate nature of their births made them less than what they are and that hers made her automatically better than them. I keep her because she accorded my weapons the kind of respect no one has ever given them—willingly at least—and without prior cause or coercion.'

'They have you…'

'And they would always have me. But girls need other girls too.'

'I see…'

'Do you…?'

'I suppose he also comes into play.'

There was no reason to ask for an elaboration for who he meant. I ran my hands though my bangs (yes, I always use both hands) before smoothing them along the smooth lines of my suit while I gathered my thought on this potentially thorny subject.

'I know you're wondering if I keep her for him too. And though you may be surprised the answer is yes. Spirit is a strong weapon—but he is not strong enough to live the way he does and not have someone accountable to. I keep her because she reminds him that once upon a time he had something worth aspiring for. I keep her because she makes him better—makes him fearless—makes him be something far more than what he is. I keep her because she is the one person he needs to make fighting worth all the pain. I keep her because it allows my father's weapon to remain human and alive with hope for another tomorrow.'

I watch him turn away and head towards the door and knew that while he outwardly showed that his questions for the night were at an end, there was even more brewing inside of his head. For once I decided not to be too inflexible and allowed myself the indulgence of being open.

'Aren't you going to ask me one more question Soul?'

'I think—'

'Aren't you going to ask me why I keep YOU?'

Garnet eyes darkened to nearly obsidian stared at me with chilling intensity. I felt no fear or hesitation. Not from his end or mine. I allowed myself the faintest of smiles and watched as wariness entered his normally indecipherable gaze.

'I didn't think you'd have an answer for me since you won't even use me as your weapon.'

I stood up from behind the table that dominated the office that once belonged to my father and walked towards the wall of boxes leaning against one of the walls. I picked up one of the letters he read just hours before and stared at the content. I replaced it with all the other before I took a deep breath and pinned him with my golden gaze.

'I keep you here because you're HER weapon. Hers. Always will be. By her choice, by mine, but more importantly, by yours. I keep you here because you alone will see the world in that respect. Because while I am selfishly keeping her for many of the reasons I already gave you—you will stay here for no other reason than she's here. You live only for her and her benefit alone. In a world that's selfish enough to want her and all she could give—in a world that wants only to use her gifts, her skills and her very being for their own end—you and only you exist just to be with and for her alone. That's the reason _I _keep _**you**_. Because as long as you stay here with her, she can be as strong as I wish her to be. Because as long as your strength is hers to command and your soul to call her own she can afford to stay here and allow me to indulge in the one selfishness I've allowed myself to have. Do you understand now Soul?'

'Yeah, I understand. But Kid…?'

'Yes?'

'Know that I will allow you this selfishness but there is no way I will allow you to be possessive of her.'

'I know. I'm not that selfish.'

'But I am.'


End file.
